Lights on Me

I'm supposed to move to the apartment, last week. Dad postponed it. I'm suppoed to move my things to the apartment.. again..Dad postponed it... again. I wanted to stay alone for awhile, but they wanted to rent the room out.. they didn't ask my opinion.. I wanted to be free, but i can't. I wanted to fly, but they tied me up. I wanted my own life, but they can't let go. Yes, I'm a greedy, self-centred, egocentric bitch! But I still have the rights to choose my life. What are you expecting me to do? I got tired of sounding up my opinions. No one listens anyway. Because I'm a girl. Only Leonard's worth listening. Always Leonard... I got tired living in his shadows.

What is a home? A place to stay, a place to live and a place when you feel welcomed and safe all the time?? Perhaps, I'm a pessimist. I spend more time on my work more than anything in my life. Life after work, I supposed, should be warm and comforting. With gaining respect from my parents and my family, that I earn, and get my own car finally, by myself. Maybe I'm ultra-sensitive. I felt left out from my own family. Is it because of the baby? I doubted it. If it is, it's just an excuse. I have to move out from this house, which I assumed still my 'HOME'. No one to talk to, no one to listen. Better to move out and stay away. So tired.

One night, my Ah Yee (My Aunt, mum's sister) said to me: "Ah Ling ah, your nose is big and fleshy. It indicates that you will be having a good life in the future." Literally means that I will earn big bucks in the future. Yay! Money come money come... "But your nostrils can see the sky (whatever it means) , it means you are like me! Earn big and spend big. But no worries, you won't get poor." Haha, so I can spend whatever I want from now on?? "You have a round face, lots of bak (means meat or flesh in Hokkien), indicates that you will get early recognition from your boss. Hmm, not bad." Yeah, not bad huh. Should tell my boss and ask for a raise soon! " Your eyebrows are quite nice. Dark and long. It means you will get a good husband in the future. But... wait , where did u get this scar?? Haiya, its not that good la like that. But again the scar not that big, shouldn't be a problem la I think. Hm.." So is it good or not??! How come ...

How I wish to turn back time and have the happy things in life again. Missing so much of the past.. I miss... .. being naive.. .. the family I used to have.. .. my friends.. .. the times in uni.. .. afternoon at Coffee Bean with ice-blended mocha & a good book.. .. gazing at the stars from my room while listening to Frank Sinatra.. .. having the moonlight shone through the window onto my bed.. .. weekend outings on the beautiful islands in KK.. .. the sunsets and the ocean breeze.. .. movie outings with friends.. .. window shopping on weekends.. .. midnight chat with friends.. .. Mido and his hugs.. How much I've lost in these past 2 years. Looking at this list makes me wonder when I will have the opportunity to be happy again.. sigh

How can working life be so complicated I wonder? When you work well, or better than expected, people tend to gossip bout how you get the job at the 1st place. I do not find much trouble working with people who are less educated, but working as hard as the others. The most problems you'll encounter is from the people who sees you as a threat. With the weird design of our office plan, I couldn't help but skeptical that people are watching your every move. What you do, what you talk or discuss, who are you meeting with.. Honestly, they do not have a life?? Woman especially are a weird species (mind myself, I'm part of the colony as well). They are constantly sniffing out your background, trying to find loosen knots. Wouldn't it be better for them to spend their time on something else.... like their work?! My performance so far has been gaining positive feedback from my manager. However, too many woman make the working environment a lil bit too messy to work in. Weird cases...

I am an aunty! My niece is born today, thanks to my sis-in-law who has been carrying her for the past 7 months. The baby is still in the incubator, but she's strong, and beautiful. Can't help thinking of getting one myself.. Everyone is happy, especially the new parents. Well, congrats Leonard and Swan! Hope to get a picture of her soon!

Being the only sister to 3 brothers is tougher than I would ever imagine. Being the eldest of remaining siblings in the house is gruesome. Being a daughter and a grandaughter to people who keep pulling you to their side after arguing with each other is frustrating. Being a girl who's trying to survive in the Man's world is stressful. Being a sane person who's constantly worried bout goin insane, well is insane. Being myself is just too exhausting.