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Lost again..

Still recovering from a high fever yesterday. It wasn't a good week to go through. Boss on leave, going Japan and Hong Kong for the next whole week. It means, I gotta make important decisions for one whole week. Sigh, it's never easy when people aren't that cooperative. Respect is something that I'll never gain here. Being a minority, being a fresh grad, being a temporary colleague.

Somehow, work has to be done. My boss asked me to stayed back and continue doing Masters here. I refused his good will. He realized that i'm leaving soon, contract ending in 2 months time. I thought otherwise. It was too long for me to be here (4 unenjoyable months), i told him.. He chuckled. "I just don't feel like working here anymore." I added. He understand what i meant.

I wasn't at home for the past 5 years. Always away, for my study and now for my work? Mum wants me back at home, at least close to home. But i really don't have a place there. I don't even have a room. I need my privacy at least, I'm old enough to have my own life. Wish they could understand.

Been feeling lonely again this week. Tommorrow will be exactly 2 months since i break up. Any changes? Same answer, still coping. Occasionaly tears and heartache. Missing him, missing talking to him, missing looking at his face, missing his voice, missing everything about him. He moved on, so why am i still here?

This experience scared me alot. I'm really scared of falling for someone and ended up being apart. It's just something that I really do not wish to go through again and again. I felt so helpless, so alone, so vulnerable. I have friends who constantly trying their best to keep me alive. But it's just different. I've lost a big part in me, i felt incomplete. I've become someone that i don't even recognize. How could i let this happened to me?

I'm searching for a light, a candle, a matchstick, a firefly. Anything that can guide me through life again. I know it sounds dramatic. I know how people think i'm a drama queen. I don't care, really don't care. I just want to be myself again, be someone that i can be proud of. I'm tired, i'm exhausted, I'm fatigued....

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