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Turmoil

I'm psychologically crippled, I have endless thoughts about my family. How would it be for my brothers, my parents and my grandparents after all these emotional turmoil that has been going on for so long?

Some remarks made by Paul to his teacher, convince me that all this nonsense has to be stop. Why leaving in denial and make the kid's life miserable? Already he is socially declined, even to his immediate family. I recalled all those times when I send him to music classes where he does not speak a single word to me. It troubles me so much as 8 years ago, he still tagged along with me where ever we go and how he always mistaken me as mum. We were so close together as siblings and look at him now, he can't even speak a single word to me. Not even a "yes" or "no".

What ever that happened to him, it's not his fault. He's still a kid who deserve better than trying to grasp the meaning of separation, anger and chaos. He's angry not because he understand it, he's angry because everyone around him is angry. Traditional way of thinking that kids do not need to be include in adult's problems has further push him aside, just like an social outcast. Keep telling him that all this will have the least effect on him is really bull shit. That he needs not to think about this is yet another lie.

I missed the Paul that I knew, that gave me the lion that has always been with me. The sweet kid who drew me birthday cards and send across the sea just to remind me how blessed am I that I have someone thinking about me. I am just wondering how can I allowed this to make him into what he is now in the first place? Why can't everyone else see that he's growing up in a wrong and unhealthy way? Time is running out and we need to end this now.. how though? Sigh. I'm feeling so terrible now..


Something that I treasured a lot, sweet reminders of a child's sincerity and innocence.

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