Lights on Me

为何我一直觉得很累？ 为何我放不下？ 为何我那么执着？ 为何我那么委屈自己？ 为何我醒不来？

这是我第一次用中文写部落格。 最近想了好多事情。好想去爱一个人，却没有勇气了。他说，他需要自由，我却没办法接受。我对他是一厢情愿，他则到处留情。你若是问我为什么我还是那么执着，我想，爱是没办法理解的 他对我的关心，和对他身边的红颜知己没什么不同。他说他喜欢我，也喜欢其他人。 好几次，我提出做个了断。他却不停地挽留我。说他喜欢我，不想我们之间有座墙。而我，再次地相信他。或许，有一天， 他会认定我就是他最好的选择。现在想着，我这个人真的那么天真吗？ 爱一个人是那么的痛苦吗？难道他不理解我的真心吗？ 我哭了，他说我太敏感。 我生气，他说我无理取闹。 好辛苦啊。。。我到底是怎么样了？那么没自信吗？难道世界没其他男人了吗？为什么还要委屈自己，爱着一个不想爱我的人呢？他说，我应该出去认识其他人。也许我会遇见一个更好的。而我却顽固地守着他。心里流着血，眼里也一直不断地流着泪。 我每天祈祷，祈求我有勇气放下这段还没开始的感情。 我好累好累。。神啊，你听到了我的祈祷吗？

Here I am, alone at home. Both my housemates has plans to go out. I can't help feeling lonely tonight. Then, I realized that I don't have much friends to hang out. Really have this feeling of going to Starbucks, grab a coffee and see some strangers. SY, you are not getting any younger. I know. But I am not looking for a spouse. Not yet. I am not ready. I need someone by my side though. Someone that will encourage me to move on. Someone that will love me for who I am. Not someone that they want to make me into. SY, time to move on with life. I want to. I thought I can live alone. Without anyone. Just to realize, I am not that strong after all. Now what? Hitting the gym, shower, go Starbucks, grab a latte, read a book. That's another day.

I m just stoned by the news that he is dead. My ex and my dearest friend. In fact all the flash backs appear in my mind. My heart thinking of things that I wanted to share with him, the chats, the pictures, the experience, to bring him to see my niece... All that I've promised,it cannot be done now. Although we are so far apart, I felt tremendous guilt and sadness. Wish I could have more time to talk to him again or to see him again. I wish I could see him again. I really wish... I dunno what should I feel.. Or say. Or think. I just cant believe everything that happened. I can't continue writing this blog. At least not today. My tears keep flowing, thinking bout him.

Hey Mido, I still can't believe that you are gone. Your friend left me a message in FB. I wasn't sure whether I was prepared to hear it. The war took away your life. But I am sure that was what you really wanted to do. Given the 2nd chance, you would have go for the war again against the government. Can't even believed that the last time we talked was on my birthday last year. If I can turn back time, I would have told you how much I missed you my friend. After knowing you for 6 years, you are one of my closest friend. I am sorry for hurting your feelings. I am sorry that we can't be together. I am sorry for putting your life in misery. I am sorry for everything. When your friend told me that your security question for you FB account is my name, my heart literally sank. I should believed what you told me all this while. I am really sorry Mido. Your people is slowly winning the war from your government.I know you will be happy to hear in heaven. As that was wha...

Again, I have not blog for quite some time. Was thinking about our family today.I went back to Klang, to see my mum. Chatted with her awhile, then slept for the rest of the day. She's getting old for sure. Yet, she still have so much more to do for everyone. For me, I am staying away from family for years. And I tried my best to go back home as often as I can. Yesterday, saw my niece's pictures on Facebook. Funny how it became these days. The last time I saw her was in January, the day she was born. It has been more than 5 months now, and I didn't see her at all. What has become of our life? Thinking back into my childhood, Leonard and I were so close. We grew up together, and fight with each other all the time. That was the best time of life. Later in life, we grew apart. He pursue his career in music, while I went Sabah for 4 years. He got married, and moved to KL. I left the house to work in KL. We met occasionally at family functions. However, there are much less to...

I have a crazy idea, to start my own business. I spoke to few people, yet, others seems to be in their comfort zone. They want to stay put in their current situation. Or are they not confident enough with me. Am I the ambitious one here? As far as I know, I do not want to work for people in the future. I want to work for myself. Answering to myself. Taking off whenever I want. Current working condition has been really tough. Answering questions. Managing perceptions especially. It was a new term that I learned few months back. To progress, every thing is about management's perception towards you. We even have a panel for higher management to review on us yearly. If you fu**** something up, you are done. You will never ever be able to move on. I only wonder how did people manage to work there for donkey years. Don't they get tired or bored with the same people, same job? Occasionally, seeing people who did not work as hard as you get all the recognition they want. I know...