Whirlwind

It has been a whirlwind like for the past month. Had a depresive episode and anxiety attack last month, and still recovering from it. This is not the first time in depression, but it scares me alot compare to the last one some 12 years ago. I find myself gasping for air, reaching out for help, so that i can stay afloat in the midst of darkness and drowining. I remembered Kel alot during the past month or so.. the mental image of him lifeless, reminds me again and again, that I need to hang on in there, and put in effort to be alive. I am thankful to God in many ways, to give me the courage to walk out from this unscathed. Rather, I was given the chance to learn who I am as a person. I was exposed to my own shortcomings even when I refuse to see it, I was challenged to 'let go' to things and emotional burden that I have been carrying all this while. I spoke to more people in the past month then I ever spoke to in the year before. I knew I was desperate, and I needed to see and understand why I have to be alive. Being 40-ish now, my perspective of life change drastically. Before, I do not have the courage to stepped out, in this so called self-built company. Nor do I trusting others to take responsibility of their own life. I just had to be there, everywhere, tending to everyone's needs. For awhile, I felt accomplished, for being able to give so much to others. As being taught, in church, and ministry, it's better to give than receive.. But I guess, I have taken it overboard, and extremely. The word 'guilt' has haunted me for quite some time, to be specific, since the passing of dad. I thought I have walked out from it, but as my counselor put it, I'm just 'self-punishing' myself since then. Not letting myself have an enjoyable life. I feel bad when I go for vacation, or taking leave. Felt bad when my family are not being taken care off, and I felt responsible to be there for them. Even among friends, I felt bad if they fought, or complained bout each other, even when I'm not involved. The 'guilt' is always bout me, able to do more, and I should do so. Never in my mind that one day, all this burden came crushing down on me, and i felt my life to be so vulnerable. Paradoxically, humans are both resilient and vulnerable, both strong and weak, both good and evil.. I have been perceiving life to only consist of 2 sides, black or white, while in reality, most part of the life is grey. At least, this is what I understand for now. It's Wednesday today, and I felt a tinge of stress waking up. Anxiety hits in when you know the amount of work and task waiting ahead. But, I have to assure myself, that I'm still learning to cope. And there will never be a perfect life to live in. I just need to penned down this as it has been occupying my thoughts these few days. Till then..