Lights on Me

I've never been that angry in my life like what i did last night. Finally, what ever that I have in mind are out into the wild. That's the first time I lost control over myself, letting myself shouting at the top of my lungs. Letting go of a burden i carried for months. God i felt relieve. I've finally move on. I think he's still in a shock to see me responding like that. Here i come, LIFE.

I'm so angry wiv you, angry wiv myself and I couldn't understand why I'm angry in the 1st place. I'm tired of being this self. Tired of being silent. Why couldn't you be more sensitive with your words? All this while, I have been quiet. I had enough. I want it to stop. All I want is to be my normal self. Is it too much to ask?

I have a sudden urge to write on paper. And all i could find is this piece of receipt in my wallet. Hope that i dun hv to use this one again. Although tired, I actually enjoyed the current state of tranquility. No nagging behind my ears, no complaints about my brothers, no tasks to be done, or more like nothing that can be done... It's just a simple morning, with a cup of freshly brewed coffee, 2 donuts and a newspaper which i could finally read it thoroughly. This is the Sunday morning that I've been craving for quite some time. At home, this piece of tranquility, peacefulness and stressless state of mind is impossible to achieve. What a great start to a long day... I was in Seremban Terminal One's Dunkins Donuts having my breakfast when i wrote this. What an odd place to feel peacefulness don't you think?

"You are fat." (there goes the bomb) "I am suggesting you to go on diet." "OMG, is it serious?" " Take a look at your BMI. It's between overweight and obese." "Imagine what you will looked like when you have kids. Your body size will be double of what you are experiencing currently." "But doc, my weight has been static for almost a year now. I've lost 12 kgs last year alone." "Hmm.. fine, but you still have to cut down on your weight." "It's as simple as ABC. (hell yeah..) Eat a Queen's breakfast, a Middle-man's lunch, and a Beggar's dinner." A recent conversation wiv the doctor.. and the doctor was accusing mum to be 'fat kids lover' for raising a batallion of fat kids. Haha.. poor mum.. Diet again... sigh..

He told me about his new girlfriend. How should an ex response i wonder? It's just weird to listen to your ex talking about his new girlfriend. Anger? Jealousy? I really don't know. Perhaps there's a devil in me that actually hope that it wouldn't work between them . How scary it is to feel this way... It was my 1st relationship, and it ended badly. I asked myself whether i did the right thing to insist on keeping the friendship between us? He was reluctant, but i pushed him into it. I thought I've cope with it, but today, it seems to be back, haunting me. I'm not a saint, or a great person. I have an emotional side which I always tried to hide it away. I portrayed myself as strong, but when it comes to love and relationship, i felt so weak and idiotic. Am I hoping to get back with him? I dunno. I hope not. I dun want to. I still missed him at times. The times that we had together. I still remember every detail of our dates.. I still keep things that he gave me.

My PC wasn't in a good condition after i moved back from Melaka. After a loyal companionship for 2 years, he finally gave up on me. The system crashed, the processor overheating, problems with the DVD-ROM, power failure, virus infection, you named it, I've got it. He was finally sent to the shop for repair. I was thinking of a major overhauling, but with my brothers around, it wouldnt be a wise choice after all. Well, nothing survives under their hands.. The whole service cost me RM 130, and i lost my modem in the process. As a return, I got a free cable which I still dun understand the rationale behind it. Perhaps the shop owner felt the guilt for unable to save my modem. Even after the service, it's not at its tip-top condition. New problems occured, as we couldn't install Adobe and Nero. What a week it was.. Lucky that I got my Streamyx a day after that. At least there's some compensation for able to download songs and movies, surfing the net faster and having a