Lights on Me

Ever felt like you are going to blow up anytime? Like a time bomb is buried deep inside you. And you do not know what triggers it to blow up. You don't even have the slightest idea on how to disassemble it. All you can wait is waiting, shivering, hoping that it will stop ticking. But in the same time, scared that you might survive after it explodes... With scars that cannot be erased, with memories that will haunt you till the day you die.... And dying is a better option than living on..

I'm psychologically crippled, I have endless thoughts about my family. How would it be for my brothers, my parents and my grandparents after all these emotional turmoil that has been going on for so long? Some remarks made by Paul to his teacher, convince me that all this nonsense has to be stop. Why leaving in denial and make the kid's life miserable? Already he is socially declined, even to his immediate family. I recalled all those times when I send him to music classes where he does not speak a single word to me. It troubles me so much as 8 years ago, he still tagged along with me where ever we go and how he always mistaken me as mum. We were so close together as siblings and look at him now, he can't even speak a single word to me. Not even a "yes" or "no". What ever that happened to him, it's not his fault. He's still a kid who deserve better than trying to grasp the meaning of separation, anger and chaos. He's angry not because he unde

3 days more. That's the time I have in Delloyd. I've found many good people here, along with the bad ones of course. But the good ones, are more prominent than the bad ones. I actually felt sad, to leave them behind. One colleague asked me today, just before off work. "What kind of place will you be staying after this?" "I will rent a room, not the whole house. Why?" I'm curious to know why she asked in the first place. "Nothing. If you are staying in terrace houses, make sure you don't sleep on the floor." She answered. I was thinking, what the hell does that mean?? Then she continued, "You have problems with your back, you shouldn't sleep on the floor. You will feel pain and it will get worse. If it's double storey, tell the owner you have to take the room upstairs." At the moment, I felt so grateful for knowing such person. Knowing that I've been to doctor for me back pain, she actually cares for me and giving me ad

Growing up, finally. When we all thought it's impossible for him to be good, he became one. Kenny called today. He called me. He was asking how was I doing? How's everyone at home? I thought at that moment, never did I called him after he went to uni. Was I too absorbed with my own life, that I literally forgotten about him? It was embarrassing, to call myself as an elder sister. People do change when the environment changed. That's what we all going through. I got another job offer today, but the pay was too low compared to the first job. But somehow, I am happy to know that I'm offered the position. It proved that my capabilities has somehow convinced employers to hire me. B said thank God that the other company called me first, or i would have lost the better offer. Perhaps so, I have been blessed by GOD all this while. I brought gran to the clinic today. BP was quite low. Doc knows that she has been worrying again. She tried to hide it from him, but well, she doesn&

Yesterday's interview went pretty well. Well it wasn't really an interview, just an hour to do my assessment test. It's not that tough, but I didn't manage to finish it. I left blank for 5 questions both in English and Maths test. Sigh, really should be able to do well in both. Just keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best. After the test, I was introduced to the sales manager whom should be my direct boss if i would ever be able to work there. The informal meeting with them is quite enjoyable. Over a cup of cafe latte (mmm.... my fave), they tried to dig more information about myself. I tried to show my personality and my ability to think and work under a stressful condition. They really made it sound scary but well, that's what bosses do all the time. I still remember interviewing some girls whom I manage to scare them away altogether. As for now, I'm just waiting for replies. From both company that I applied. If they both offer, how would I choose I won

Finally I had a day off with MC. Back hurts like hell now, doc said it's swollen, the muscle of my lower back. Sounds serious rite? This is the 2nd time I had a work-caused illness. Doc advised me to do something about the job. He said it strained me too much, both physically and mentally. True.. Another interview today. I didn't know I have to go through so many levels of interview for a job. Irfan said these days, employers are looking for a committed employee. Perhaps so, these long list of interviews are just trying on my patience. The difference for me and other fresh grads are I'm working and they are not. 2 jobs and it already take me 4 days of leave. What could this mean? It simply means that I'm really into looking forward to change my job. Need a better pay, and a better environment, and a more promising career path. But somehow, what I have now is already much better than many people out there. I really appreciated the work that has been given this past whole

-by Alicia Keys (from the album "As I Am") If I had no more time No more time left to be here Would you cherish what we had? Was I everything that you were looking for If I couldn’t feel your touch And no longer were you with me I’d be wishing you were here To be everything that I’ve been looking for I don’t wanna forget the present is a gift And I don’t wanna take for granted the time you may have here with me Cause Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed So every time you hold me Hold me like this is the last time Every time you kiss me Kiss me like you’ll never see me again Every time you touch me Touch me like this is the last time Promise that you’ll love me Love me like you’ll never see me again How many really know wh

Know about the pink elephant story? Try not to imagine a Pink Elephant. What do u imagine now? It's a pink elephant no doubt. Apparently our brain is quite straightforward. The rational is, the more you try to avoid thinking about something, the more you would think about it. There are certain things that I try to block out from my brain. A person, smoking, and being depressive about work. Three things that I'm trying to forget, and the same three that keep on popping up. Wonder how to forget about things? Our memory is really not a merciful one. The happiness in life that we tried to remember all the time, it can easily be forgotten. Life love to play jokes on us, or at least, on me. Life changes so much for the past 2 weeks. In these past 2 weeks, I suddenly realized how much my mum has grow old. Seeing the wrinkle on her face, I can't remember when did it all happen in the first place. I couldn't find a trace of image when her face are still line less. I tried really

How does it feel when you fell for someone, and that someone told you that he had a new gf? It sucks. As a friend, I'm still trying to act cool, as if nothing happens. It hurts damn bad actually. But, as a friend, I should be happy for him isn't it? The only problem is I'm not a saint. I'm a human being, and for worse, a female species of Homo sapiens . THAT is the main problem. I'm accepting, but being hurt badly, I don't know how to keep on going and be a friend. Hang out together? Introduce her to me? My heart is really reluctant, but my pride make the stupidest decision in my life. I said 'OK'. Trying to be nice isn't everything, I discover. While I was waiting for his reply on the phone, he was having some fun with his new gf. I would be a big fat liar to say that I'm ok with everything. I have to be, to make sure he's not feeling awkward to me. And I have to meet her as well, as a request from him. As a proof we are still 'friends&#

My name written in the sand somewhere in Africa.

Today was another typical day of working. With a little different, I wore an old t-shirt to the office. Well, everyone was really surprised, cause it's not even weekend. I figure that I need to save my office outfits for some other occasion rather than spoiling it during my work in the warehouse. I'm generally out of black office wear that can withstand the heat, sweat and dirt that i have to mingle every day. My ego pushed me to the edge today. In my mind, I have a bachelor degree. I'm educated, i have a strong education background, with good academic records. In fact, I am the best student in my faculty. And yet, why on earth am I packing goods in the warehouse?? God knows why. For the past 2 months or so, I have been involved deeply in the whole operation. That is based on an agreement between my manager and I, which requires us to 'fix' the problem in the operation. We did. The delivery system was improved. The waiting time for deliveries has been cut down from

6 minutes to midnight, and I'm already dreading going back to work. Couldn't remember since when I felt that reluctant to work. Funny thing is, I don't show any exhaustion and unwillingness once I'm at office. In fact, our director were quite please with my performance. So why do I feel so bad then? Really got no idea. It's really time to move on i think. I got job offers from Sylvia's friends. 2 jobs to be exact. Somehow, I'm not that excited, thinking that I don't want to get another favor from her. Wanted to try to get another job on my own. I lost my previous copy of resume, and to the point when I'm starting to rewrite it...I felt a moment of blankness.. sadly the moment was really a long one.. Well, is it time to move? Almost a year now, just another month and that's it. 1 damn year.

Charles Dicken's London in his writing, has always been sad, dramatic and depressive. Such a gloomy place I would say. That's how Sweeney Todd was pushed to the edge, ending his miserable life with such a cold and cruel murder. Who to say he is wrong? Or right? When life is unfair, it haunts you even in your sleep. You might be more hardworking than others, but yet, you might not be successful. You might put in most effort in your work, draining yourself to to the edge of insanity, but yet, you might not get the recognition from your superior. You might been the one most caring and most willing to be there for him/her, but you might not be the one he/she loves. You might help out the most in your family, but you might not be loved and respected like your brother. He/she might be the nicest person to you, caring and loving, and understanding, but he/she might not be the one for you. The world is never fair, most will agree. I agreed too. A friend said to me that Valentine's