Lights on Me

This is how i felt these days. Anti social. Illogical. Moody. Exhausted. Frustrated. Blue. Poor. And... OLD. At this point, i really believe that the light is out. No more lights on me, cause I don't want any attention on me. I just want to move out, and live a simple life. At the age of 25 going to 26, I still worried how my family will feel if I told them I want a vacation. As I always remember, having a vacation is a waste of money, waste of time. That's what they think. At this moment too, I felt lonely for not having my partner around me. Jealous and envy for those who have someone special, near by them. I need love, and care. Not from everyone, but only from him. Work has not been easy, thoughts of getting a new one, but still, I just got my confirmation. I'm ambitious, I want much more from this fragile life. I want to achieve things that people do not expect from me. I know people around me, doesnt care for my existence, it doesn't matter at all. Just want to li

My niece went home last Sunday. I held her close to my chest, feeling her being comfortable with me, feeling her that she's reluctant to leave too, it wasn't a happy moment for us. I speak to her, telling her to be good, and tell her that how much I would missed her. Could she understand? She was very quiet that night, quite different from the her usual behaviour. I think she knows . Everyday, I looked at her photos and her videos, remembering how she will stare at the camera, and opened her eyes widely, how she smile when we dress her up, how she respond to all out silly baby talks.. I hope she knows that we all loved her, and how we have missed her this past few days. Although almost impossible, I hope that she can remember this short staying here with us. Miss u babe! Love this picture, pretty and sweet with rosy cheeks. Photo shoot on 08/09/2007. "What are you looking at?!" Photo shot on 09/09/2007.

" I'm telling you loosen up my buttons baby (uh huh), but you keep fronting (uh)...." - Pussycat's Dolls' Buttons. I wonder what is so interesting bout a bunch of hot looking girls to put their lust & horniness in a song? Why keep asking someone to open up their buttons, just do it yourself and things start to burn. Yeah baby! (imitating Austin Powers) Anyway, few buttons that's very very important in my life these days: No. 1: Look carefully and you'll see the oily surface on the buttons. as the result of our oily fingers stomping on the keyboard. Without it, I dunno whether i would survive the terror of pc-less!! No. 2 consists of trusty buttons where so far, 2+2 and 2x2 still equals 4. Usage, Daily. No. 3 , only button in-use: 3!!! Strategically situated beside No.1, another worthy set of buttons to least give some cool breeze. No.4 See that clear white buttons? Without any numbers on it? Caused by compulsive thumb typing disorder. Few more butto

I'm supposed to move to the apartment, last week. Dad postponed it. I'm suppoed to move my things to the apartment.. again..Dad postponed it... again. I wanted to stay alone for awhile, but they wanted to rent the room out.. they didn't ask my opinion.. I wanted to be free, but i can't. I wanted to fly, but they tied me up. I wanted my own life, but they can't let go. Yes, I'm a greedy, self-centred, egocentric bitch! But I still have the rights to choose my life. What are you expecting me to do? I got tired of sounding up my opinions. No one listens anyway. Because I'm a girl. Only Leonard's worth listening. Always Leonard... I got tired living in his shadows.

What is a home? A place to stay, a place to live and a place when you feel welcomed and safe all the time?? Perhaps, I'm a pessimist. I spend more time on my work more than anything in my life. Life after work, I supposed, should be warm and comforting. With gaining respect from my parents and my family, that I earn, and get my own car finally, by myself. Maybe I'm ultra-sensitive. I felt left out from my own family. Is it because of the baby? I doubted it. If it is, it's just an excuse. I have to move out from this house, which I assumed still my 'HOME'. No one to talk to, no one to listen. Better to move out and stay away. So tired.

One night, my Ah Yee (My Aunt, mum's sister) said to me: "Ah Ling ah, your nose is big and fleshy. It indicates that you will be having a good life in the future." Literally means that I will earn big bucks in the future. Yay! Money come money come... "But your nostrils can see the sky (whatever it means) , it means you are like me! Earn big and spend big. But no worries, you won't get poor." Haha, so I can spend whatever I want from now on?? "You have a round face, lots of bak (means meat or flesh in Hokkien), indicates that you will get early recognition from your boss. Hmm, not bad." Yeah, not bad huh. Should tell my boss and ask for a raise soon! " Your eyebrows are quite nice. Dark and long. It means you will get a good husband in the future. But... wait , where did u get this scar?? Haiya, its not that good la like that. But again the scar not that big, shouldn't be a problem la I think. Hm.." So is it good or not??! How come

How I wish to turn back time and have the happy things in life again. Missing so much of the past.. I miss... .. being naive.. .. the family I used to have.. .. my friends.. .. the times in uni.. .. afternoon at Coffee Bean with ice-blended mocha & a good book.. .. gazing at the stars from my room while listening to Frank Sinatra.. .. having the moonlight shone through the window onto my bed.. .. weekend outings on the beautiful islands in KK.. .. the sunsets and the ocean breeze.. .. movie outings with friends.. .. window shopping on weekends.. .. midnight chat with friends.. .. Mido and his hugs.. How much I've lost in these past 2 years. Looking at this list makes me wonder when I will have the opportunity to be happy again.. sigh

How can working life be so complicated I wonder? When you work well, or better than expected, people tend to gossip bout how you get the job at the 1st place. I do not find much trouble working with people who are less educated, but working as hard as the others. The most problems you'll encounter is from the people who sees you as a threat. With the weird design of our office plan, I couldn't help but skeptical that people are watching your every move. What you do, what you talk or discuss, who are you meeting with.. Honestly, they do not have a life?? Woman especially are a weird species (mind myself, I'm part of the colony as well). They are constantly sniffing out your background, trying to find loosen knots. Wouldn't it be better for them to spend their time on something else.... like their work?! My performance so far has been gaining positive feedback from my manager. However, too many woman make the working environment a lil bit too messy to work in. Weird cases

I am an aunty! My niece is born today, thanks to my sis-in-law who has been carrying her for the past 7 months. The baby is still in the incubator, but she's strong, and beautiful. Can't help thinking of getting one myself.. Everyone is happy, especially the new parents. Well, congrats Leonard and Swan! Hope to get a picture of her soon!

Being the only sister to 3 brothers is tougher than I would ever imagine. Being the eldest of remaining siblings in the house is gruesome. Being a daughter and a grandaughter to people who keep pulling you to their side after arguing with each other is frustrating. Being a girl who's trying to survive in the Man's world is stressful. Being a sane person who's constantly worried bout goin insane, well is insane. Being myself is just too exhausting.

Sent a text message to Leonard today. You might wonder, what's so special bout it? It's special because it's rare. I needed someone to listen to me this morning. Leonard is the only choice in this case. As usual, I woke up early to catch the bus down to Seremban. Breakfast wasn't a happy occassion today. Gran complaint the usual stuffs. But something came into me, I exploded and literally blasted out everyone in the house which include my granny and mum. One logical explanation... I'm sick of being the mediator to solve every single tiny bit of household issues. It's really unexpected to everyone, even myself. Leonard asked me to be patient. Few more months and I'll be out from the house. To me, it's still a long way to go. I'm burdened by everyone's problem. Yes it's family, but does it have to be this way? Everyone letting go responsibiity while I'm supposed to be the person to solve everything? Nowadays, even Mum becomes unreasonable t

It took me a week before I can have time to blog. Serious! Time flies.. I've been working for almost a month now. Well days are getting tougher as my manager keep on reminding me. But at least, work is not boring because I'm learning new things everyday. The only downside for working is I don't have time to relax and rewind. I don't even talk much to my family since I started working. Cant stop wondering whether this is a common thing among workers? Or am I becoming a workaholic? Family hasn't complain but I felt bad for neglecting them. I brought back work from office everynight for the past whole week. And they let me do my stuffs without bothering me while i work myself up to 3am.. Sigh, I think I should find a balance point between my career and family. Damn, this is exhausting!

Today is my fifth day at work. Things start to make sense, job scope is much clearer now, and well, I'm dwelling quite well with my colleagues. Just sometimes its hard to communicate coz I'm a lousy hokkien speaker. It's a cosy company to be exact, and everyone seems to be busy all the time. No one has extra time to do other stuffs, but it's a good thing eh? It means our company are progressing and expanding and we are getting more sales. Maybe, but we do have much more things to learn. Not only me but the company as well. To be the major player in the market, we have to be more efficient and customer friendly. It sounds easy but hell no! All this experience is new to me. Really new. Ahead of coming to work here, I was worrying whether I will be able to perform or not. But, well my colleagues are not bad. They shared, they teach, they guide. I have a wonderful immediate boss now. But well, it's still too early to tell how it will be later on. Anyway, life has been

Phew! It was an exciting day to be say in comparison to the previous Fridays I have. A call from a private university which I've sent my resume weeks earlier has finally replied, and offered me an interview. The first reaction was "WHAT?!! Are you sure?". It was hysterical as I dreamed bout a job like this for ages. I told the caller to give me 30 minutes to reply. Somehow, I managed to call Sandz, Mum and Sylvia for consultation. I agree to go for the interview. Then, suddenly it hit me, hey, I will still be new on the job. Can I actually ask for a leave on the 3rd day of my new job? That would be ugly on me. Sigh.. frustration and indecisiveness was all over mind. What the hell was I thinking? What if I didn't get the job? I chatted with a few friends more to ask for their opinion. JP replied me truthfully, does the "U" have good reputation for the faculty? Or better still, does the "U" actually have good reputation? Hmm... yeah. I didn't thi

Got a call today, from my future boss. Yay! I'm starting a job next Monday. Well, sales coordinator doesn't really ring a bell in my career plans. But well, it's a stepping stone. Working world, here I come again!

" What makes a woman beautiful? For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; for a slim figure, share your food with the hungry; for beautiful hair, let a child run their hands through it; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone." -Audrey Hepburn I love this quote from Audrey Hepburn. Women are beautiful in many ways, rather than being good looking alone. Men however finds it difficult to see women in these ways.

I got myself DVD player yesterday. Not a branded one, but good enough to play my whole collection. And as a bonus, it actually plays DivX format! That means all my downloaded CSIs, The Simpsons, and House can be watch on TV! Best of all, it cost me RM 95 for that small thing. Anyway, that's the first time my mum didn't want to pay for it. Hahahaha.. I guess, its time for me to get a life of my own. Anyway back to movies. Year 2007 is a year of exciting movies. Well at least to me, I'm sure of it. Okay, let's see a few of my highly anticipated movie list: 1. Spider-Man 3 I read bout the reviews in IMDb. They either hate it or love it. 8.2 /10 for the ratings, shouldn't be that bad huh i guess. Anyway, not interested in the love story between the hero and Mary Jane. I still wonder why that name. Well sue me for not being a Kirsten Dunst's fan. Well, back to the movie, Spider-man turns evil, and the complexity of friendship between him and Harry Osbourne. Well

A friend is leaving this country soon. I wish for him to have a whole new world full of promises and dreams there. He's one of the closest friend whom I've get to know last year. Sometimes it's funny how people can get along in such a short time. Net friends, especially. Maybe I'm fortunate to meet people who's really true bout themselves, and not hiding their true self behind the veil of online chatting. Back to my friend, he's one of the nicest people I've known. Being an African in a foreign country, it's never an easy life for him. I admire his strong will to keep on surviving. To have positivism buried deep inside him despite all the odds he faced. I felt so small beside him. Few more days, you'll be gone. You promised to keep in touch through e-mails and online chatting. But I guess, not having you around here to talk to is a different experience altogether. You've been nice enough for me to talk to all this while. You taught me on how to

You're lost in an oceanful of emotions. Mido said that to me. True. Aimless, jobless, lifeless. Stop complaining to me. I've had enough. Leave me alone. I'm getting nowhere in this life. Stop! Don't say that you understand. No one does, not even myself. Just don't....

It was a long day. I finally understand what it meant by my lecturer when he said, "The working world is cruel"... I did a right decision when i decided to leave the job once and for all. They bite me back for being righteous. I was hoping for some support when i talked bout the benefits of my students. But i was told off that i should leave it for their actual teacher to handle. In other words, its shut-up time. I was disappointed. Really disappointed that they rather protect someone who doesn't deserve to be here, than thinking bout the benefits of the students. I have learned from this. Thanks for waking me up from my utopia.

Kids, kids, kids.... Can we live without them? If my kids are hope of this country, I would rather cry now and migrate to some isolated land in the middle of nowhere. How gloomy it is? Really, no one can tell. Our year 4 students has been the problematic bunch in the school. As superstitious as we Chinese are, many teachers agreed that its due to the horoscope sign of their batch. Mostly are born in the year of OX, with a few in the year of Rat. Oxes are portrayed as loyal but stubborn. Now now, the problem with them is that, we can't really see the loyalty in them, just total stubbornness. Every time I stepped out from the class, I felt a huge relief to actually survive the class. Exchanging glances with the next teacher entering the class, its like sending a gladiator to fight with the horrendous beast. Not one, but 40 of them waiting like hungry ghosts, preparing to feast on your soul. I came across an article today "Principal admits throwing excrement". Not surprising

"So, how many homeworks you have today?" "8." "How many done?" "4 more to go, with a spelling tomorrow and a dictation on Friday." "How are you doing today?" Face slammed to the pillow on the floor... "T...i...r....e...d...." Thats the usual conversation little Paul and I have everyday after school. 6, 7, sometimes 10 homeworks per day. Thats what little Paul is having everyday. Today, he cried over the tiredness of having to do so many work. Although he's more on the sensitive side, but still, is this how our education system deal with our kids? And, today, he brought a time table for examination through out the year, which the 1st exam will start on 13th February, 5 days before Chinese New Year. (WTF!!) That means he has to start studying the not-so-familiar words. 22 days into the new year, and he has to worried bout doing good in his exam. What's wrong with the teachers, school and the Ministry of Education itself?