For quite some time, I had a burden in my heart, which had crushed me into pieces, and I didn't know how to pick myself up and survive through it. Despite the pain, I learned to convince myself that I will be fine, but my life has never been the same from the day onwards.Upon being betrayed and lies upon lies, I can only conclude that I was still a naive person in many situations despite portraying myself as someone who's strong and independent. It's a façade that I choose to portray as the people around me needed me more than ever. I had to be strong for my mum and my brothers.
Slowly, my heart has become cold, and lifeless. I worked every day, on weekends on public holidays, perhaps trying to find things to keep myself busy. I'm constantly drained out physically and emotionally. I start to have series of bipolar emotions where there are days, that I will be extreme high and happy, and right after that, I will just sit down in my room and started crying. without any reasons. Come to think of it, I am so used to live in such way that I no longer seek for anything in my life. People tend to say that time will change everything, but to me, it doesn't help.
Few weeks back during emerge weekend at church, we were asked to write down our burden, our confession, or anything that we want to let go of and paste the paper onto the cross. It was meant to be a symbolic act of letting go of our sins and worries.
For a moment, I do not know what to write on as it sounded so cliché to me. As I lower down my head and started to pray, there's small voice in my heart, telling me to forgive, so that my burden will be lifted up and I will be a changed person. I started cried uncontrollably on that night. I realized, all these years, the pain that I've been hiding from others is from the stubbornness of my heart of wanting a revenge instead of forgiveness. That was the biggest issue that I had. I wrote it down on the small piece of paper "I forgive you."and put it on the cross. Almost immediately, my body feel so light and relieved.
Yet, 1 month after this night, my heart start to wander again into the forbidden place. I felt so bitter and the pain crept in slowly into my heart. I knew it was coming back but I'm contemplating whether to let it stay this time. Perhaps, the feeling of pain is the only way for me to feel alive. As I drove to work today, I decided to go onto Youtube and unknowingly, I typed in "Joyce Meyer". And the 1st video that popped up is this one.
I have never listen to any of her sermon, nor interested to know more bout her. Yet, here she was, talking bout establishing boundaries in relationships with people. And more importantly, she spoke about forgiving, as she forgave her late father that sexually abused her when she was young. How coincidence is this? Is this a sign from God to remind me of what I have given up and not to dwell back to the dark patch in my life?
I honestly believed that the divine intervention into my life today is significant and real. So real that it gave me goosebumps. I would like to end this blog with a prayer.
Dear Father Lord, thank you for providing everything in my life and thank you for reaching out to me when I am seeking You so desperately. I pray that my heart will be made stronger not wandering into the incorrect path again. I am finally letting go of the pain that I dwelt in so much all this time. I know I will be fine in Your grace and from today onwards, I seek to know You more. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
~To err is human, to forgive, divine. ~
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