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Missing You

Somehow, I missed my dad alot today. I tried to recall all our memories together, but somehow only the ones during his ordeal with cancer appears.

October 2011:
Got news from grand aunt Irene that dad was sick. Went back to KB for the 1st time after 21 years. Had a shock looking at my dad. The flight back to KL was the longest ever in my life. The flashbacks on how he was struggling to sip even water from a cup, put aside heaving to chew a piece of bread. The image till now, was vivid and surreal. The father whom has been taking care of me for the past 20 over years, cant even walk on his own. He was the hospitalized in HUM. Thinking back to that 3 weeks, I felt so much heart pain. I told him to get well, so we can go for a family vacation to Perhentian Island that has been long overdue. He was very happy and promised me that he will be strong.

Dad started chemotherapy on  28th October 2011. He was doing good for 3 days, he felt energized and doctor was convinced that he can cope with the treatment. On the last day of the month, I received a call from the hospital. Dad fainted and had trouble breathing. Leo & I went to hospital immediately. After much thoughts, the doctors decided to put him under heavy anesthetics. 

November 2011: 
 For the next 4 days, I stayed in the hospital with him. He was in coma now. Every now and then, blood gushing out from his mouth. I wiped it off every hour. I whispered to him to hold on. Our family is on our way to see him. So much guilt that went into me for that 4 days. He didn't want to go for chemotherapy, but I convinced him to do so. If only I listened to him, he could have few more days or even weeks with us. On the 4th of November, I decided to come back home and rest for awhile before heading back to the hospital at night. Around 10.30pm. I received a call from the hospital, asking me to come as they had some emergency. On my way there, one of the patient whom I had befriended, called me and tell me that he's gone. 10:46pm. He is gone forever.

Leonard hugged me and told me that it is ok. He is happy that the ordeal is finally over. At least we know he doesn't need to suffer anymore.

After 3 months and 2 weeks, I am still missing you very much dad. I don't know why I keep recalling the time we spend in your final weeks of life. I dreamed about you every now and then. And I missed you and love you dearly. Life has changed without you around.

I hope you are doing well up there in heavens. Rest in peace dad. 






Comments

Kenny said…
We all did miss him. I missed him every single day and the image of him in that respirator until the image of him in coma still haunt me today. Almost every single day I would nearly break down and cry silently. Dad's voice when I last heard through the phone to ask him how is he before the chemotherapy still haunts me today. The look of his face in the casket as well still in my head which I can't get it off. Every single event from the moment we fetch him to Subang airport until the moment where we picked his bones still haunts me. That's all I have to say. That moment to see him off changed me for good. It changed the way I think for good. Now the only thing I have to remember the good times was these 2 photos that is still with me lying around in my personal photo album.

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