Lights on Me

I dreamed of you today. I thought I wouldn't. Do you know how much I missed you? Almost 2 weeks now, I really hope to see you again. At least for a second. All I have is memories of the time when we are still a family. Where you and mum will drive Leonard and me to museum, to the zoo, and even back to Seremban. I missed those times so much that I can't even bear it to be alone out here. I have so much more to tell you. I missed hearing your voice, asking me how was my work? Whether I am fine. Even though its just through a phone. Thats the only thing that keep us together as father-daugther even when I didn't see you for months and months. Papa, I hope you are fine up there in heavens. I am glad that your suffering on earth has ended. I really love you and I missed you dearly.

Dad passed away last night @ 10.47 pm. We will love you, and remember you forever. Thanks for everything you have sacrifice and given to us. God bless you, I know you are in a happier place now.

Got a call from the hopital at 8:07am today. His BP dropped significantly - 56/33. They asked me to come immediately. I rushed out with the same clothes i wore, ouldnt care much. It was trafic everywhere, i was driving recklessly. Suddenly i wanted to listen to worship songs, i switched it on my phone, i chose Hillsong's Hosanna. When it finished, these were the following songs: 1) How do i live without you - LeeAnn Rimes 2) i need a doctor - Dr.Dre/Eminem 3) i will survive - gloria gaynor.... Coincident? Reached hospital after 40 mins. Dr. Ting told me to be prepared, his condition is really weak. I said i understand. They are trying their best. But his life is in God's hand. Now I am sitting here right beside him, writing this blog. I really pray for him to let go already. Papa, It's ok to let go. We will take care of Granny. You don't have to worry. Mum, leonard, i will be taking care of her. Don't worry about Paul's college fees, muma already...

Today is the 2nd day dad is in ICU. Things has not been that well to be exact. As much as I wish to be strong, i cried my heart out yesterday. It is as if the wole world crumbles down. On Sunday, I was still talking to him, he was happy to inform me that doctors said he is responding well to the chemotherapy. I felt slight relief, at least he will survive from this ordeal. I was confident on that day. Yesterday afternoon, I received a call from the hospital. He had difficulty breathing and was unconscious. When I reached hospital, all I can see was doctors, rushing in and out from the room, trying to stabilize him. Tubes, machines, blood everywhere. All we can do was standing outside the room watching. I couldn't cry, not even a drop of tears. I feel helpless. Today, he was at least stable. But the doctor informed us that he cannot go through anothet chemotherapy. That is if he can pull himself out from this. I looked at him closely today. Cleaning his blood-stained lips, his...

Dad, I forgave you for leaving us. Humans make mistakes, you made mistakes, so do I. We had the longest, and most honest talk in years. You teared when I described the struggle mum faced when you decided to run away from home. I am glad that you realized tat you did wrong in the past. And how happy I was when you said you are going to change from now onwards. I ony have two requests, which is for you to spend time with granny and Paul. The two people you ignored for all these years and heavily impacted from this chaos. Mum moved on, Leonard and I are mature enough to understand your situation. And Kenny, albeit the fact he had a hard time with this whole situation, he still manage to grow up to be fine young man. But granny is old, and you might not have much time to spend with her. She cries everytime she talks about you, and i felt its time for you to repay her for all the sacrifices she made for you. For Paul, he barely knows you. He became very passive and quiet, he doesn...

I haven't been happy for the longest time. Thats all i can say.

I've never been this tired before. Both mentally and physically. I never expect dad's health to deteriorate that fast. Now doctor is still figuring out whether its leukemia or lymphoma, and today, diabetic as well. Since last Thursday, I hav been running around, trying to get him admmited. The nighr where received a call from the hoepital at 2 am was the scariest part. Doctors were struggling to stabilized him. Tomorrow yet another tough day to go on. Why is this happenng?