Lights on Me

My favourite song from Amy Winehouse. Year 2011 marks many unfortunate events, and one of it, is the passing of this star. This song touched me whenever I listen to it. All I can wonder, what has she been through to write a song so full of emotions and regrets? R.I.P Amy. For you I was a flame Love is a losing game Five story fire as you came Love is a losing game One I wish I never played Oh what a mess we made And now the final frame Love is a losing game Played out by the band Love is a losing hand More than I could stand Love is a losing hand Self professed... profound Till the chips were down ...know you're a gambling man Love is a losing hand Though I battle blind Love is a fate resigned Memories mar my mind Love is a fate resigned Over futile odds And laughed at by the gods And now the final frame Love is a losing game

It's pictures like this that me wanting to take photos. Expensive hobby though, but its all worth it. Taken in Batu Caves, on a rainy afternoon. Kevin & I just decided to go for a photo walk. Such randomness I would say. Despite his hangover, and my seriously unfit body and legs, we managed to get to the top. And without a doubt, it was no mistake at all. The mood in the cave was quiet for a weekend. Heavy smell of incense, sounds of prayers of the devoted, the dimly lighted cave is house of the Hindu gods. And the 272 steps, is Stairway to Heaven. So, where should we go next?

I dreamed of you today. I thought I wouldn't. Do you know how much I missed you? Almost 2 weeks now, I really hope to see you again. At least for a second. All I have is memories of the time when we are still a family. Where you and mum will drive Leonard and me to museum, to the zoo, and even back to Seremban. I missed those times so much that I can't even bear it to be alone out here. I have so much more to tell you. I missed hearing your voice, asking me how was my work? Whether I am fine. Even though its just through a phone. Thats the only thing that keep us together as father-daugther even when I didn't see you for months and months. Papa, I hope you are fine up there in heavens. I am glad that your suffering on earth has ended. I really love you and I missed you dearly.

Dad passed away last night @ 10.47 pm. We will love you, and remember you forever. Thanks for everything you have sacrifice and given to us. God bless you, I know you are in a happier place now.

Got a call from the hopital at 8:07am today. His BP dropped significantly - 56/33. They asked me to come immediately. I rushed out with the same clothes i wore, ouldnt care much. It was trafic everywhere, i was driving recklessly. Suddenly i wanted to listen to worship songs, i switched it on my phone, i chose Hillsong's Hosanna. When it finished, these were the following songs: 1) How do i live without you - LeeAnn Rimes 2) i need a doctor - Dr.Dre/Eminem 3) i will survive - gloria gaynor.... Coincident? Reached hospital after 40 mins. Dr. Ting told me to be prepared, his condition is really weak. I said i understand. They are trying their best. But his life is in God's hand. Now I am sitting here right beside him, writing this blog. I really pray for him to let go already. Papa, It's ok to let go. We will take care of Granny. You don't have to worry. Mum, leonard, i will be taking care of her. Don't worry about Paul's college fees, muma already...

Today is the 2nd day dad is in ICU. Things has not been that well to be exact. As much as I wish to be strong, i cried my heart out yesterday. It is as if the wole world crumbles down. On Sunday, I was still talking to him, he was happy to inform me that doctors said he is responding well to the chemotherapy. I felt slight relief, at least he will survive from this ordeal. I was confident on that day. Yesterday afternoon, I received a call from the hospital. He had difficulty breathing and was unconscious. When I reached hospital, all I can see was doctors, rushing in and out from the room, trying to stabilize him. Tubes, machines, blood everywhere. All we can do was standing outside the room watching. I couldn't cry, not even a drop of tears. I feel helpless. Today, he was at least stable. But the doctor informed us that he cannot go through anothet chemotherapy. That is if he can pull himself out from this. I looked at him closely today. Cleaning his blood-stained lips, his...

Dad, I forgave you for leaving us. Humans make mistakes, you made mistakes, so do I. We had the longest, and most honest talk in years. You teared when I described the struggle mum faced when you decided to run away from home. I am glad that you realized tat you did wrong in the past. And how happy I was when you said you are going to change from now onwards. I ony have two requests, which is for you to spend time with granny and Paul. The two people you ignored for all these years and heavily impacted from this chaos. Mum moved on, Leonard and I are mature enough to understand your situation. And Kenny, albeit the fact he had a hard time with this whole situation, he still manage to grow up to be fine young man. But granny is old, and you might not have much time to spend with her. She cries everytime she talks about you, and i felt its time for you to repay her for all the sacrifices she made for you. For Paul, he barely knows you. He became very passive and quiet, he doesn...

I haven't been happy for the longest time. Thats all i can say.

I've never been this tired before. Both mentally and physically. I never expect dad's health to deteriorate that fast. Now doctor is still figuring out whether its leukemia or lymphoma, and today, diabetic as well. Since last Thursday, I hav been running around, trying to get him admmited. The nighr where received a call from the hoepital at 2 am was the scariest part. Doctors were struggling to stabilized him. Tomorrow yet another tough day to go on. Why is this happenng?

为何我一直觉得很累？ 为何我放不下？ 为何我那么执着？ 为何我那么委屈自己？ 为何我醒不来？

这是我第一次用中文写部落格。 最近想了好多事情。好想去爱一个人，却没有勇气了。他说，他需要自由，我却没办法接受。我对他是一厢情愿，他则到处留情。你若是问我为什么我还是那么执着，我想，爱是没办法理解的 他对我的关心，和对他身边的红颜知己没什么不同。他说他喜欢我，也喜欢其他人。 好几次，我提出做个了断。他却不停地挽留我。说他喜欢我，不想我们之间有座墙。而我，再次地相信他。或许，有一天， 他会认定我就是他最好的选择。现在想着，我这个人真的那么天真吗？ 爱一个人是那么的痛苦吗？难道他不理解我的真心吗？ 我哭了，他说我太敏感。 我生气，他说我无理取闹。 好辛苦啊。。。我到底是怎么样了？那么没自信吗？难道世界没其他男人了吗？为什么还要委屈自己，爱着一个不想爱我的人呢？他说，我应该出去认识其他人。也许我会遇见一个更好的。而我却顽固地守着他。心里流着血，眼里也一直不断地流着泪。 我每天祈祷，祈求我有勇气放下这段还没开始的感情。 我好累好累。。神啊，你听到了我的祈祷吗？

Here I am, alone at home. Both my housemates has plans to go out. I can't help feeling lonely tonight. Then, I realized that I don't have much friends to hang out. Really have this feeling of going to Starbucks, grab a coffee and see some strangers. SY, you are not getting any younger. I know. But I am not looking for a spouse. Not yet. I am not ready. I need someone by my side though. Someone that will encourage me to move on. Someone that will love me for who I am. Not someone that they want to make me into. SY, time to move on with life. I want to. I thought I can live alone. Without anyone. Just to realize, I am not that strong after all. Now what? Hitting the gym, shower, go Starbucks, grab a latte, read a book. That's another day.

I m just stoned by the news that he is dead. My ex and my dearest friend. In fact all the flash backs appear in my mind. My heart thinking of things that I wanted to share with him, the chats, the pictures, the experience, to bring him to see my niece... All that I've promised,it cannot be done now. Although we are so far apart, I felt tremendous guilt and sadness. Wish I could have more time to talk to him again or to see him again. I wish I could see him again. I really wish... I dunno what should I feel.. Or say. Or think. I just cant believe everything that happened. I can't continue writing this blog. At least not today. My tears keep flowing, thinking bout him.

Hey Mido, I still can't believe that you are gone. Your friend left me a message in FB. I wasn't sure whether I was prepared to hear it. The war took away your life. But I am sure that was what you really wanted to do. Given the 2nd chance, you would have go for the war again against the government. Can't even believed that the last time we talked was on my birthday last year. If I can turn back time, I would have told you how much I missed you my friend. After knowing you for 6 years, you are one of my closest friend. I am sorry for hurting your feelings. I am sorry that we can't be together. I am sorry for putting your life in misery. I am sorry for everything. When your friend told me that your security question for you FB account is my name, my heart literally sank. I should believed what you told me all this while. I am really sorry Mido. Your people is slowly winning the war from your government.I know you will be happy to hear in heaven. As that was wha...

Again, I have not blog for quite some time. Was thinking about our family today.I went back to Klang, to see my mum. Chatted with her awhile, then slept for the rest of the day. She's getting old for sure. Yet, she still have so much more to do for everyone. For me, I am staying away from family for years. And I tried my best to go back home as often as I can. Yesterday, saw my niece's pictures on Facebook. Funny how it became these days. The last time I saw her was in January, the day she was born. It has been more than 5 months now, and I didn't see her at all. What has become of our life? Thinking back into my childhood, Leonard and I were so close. We grew up together, and fight with each other all the time. That was the best time of life. Later in life, we grew apart. He pursue his career in music, while I went Sabah for 4 years. He got married, and moved to KL. I left the house to work in KL. We met occasionally at family functions. However, there are much less to...

I have a crazy idea, to start my own business. I spoke to few people, yet, others seems to be in their comfort zone. They want to stay put in their current situation. Or are they not confident enough with me. Am I the ambitious one here? As far as I know, I do not want to work for people in the future. I want to work for myself. Answering to myself. Taking off whenever I want. Current working condition has been really tough. Answering questions. Managing perceptions especially. It was a new term that I learned few months back. To progress, every thing is about management's perception towards you. We even have a panel for higher management to review on us yearly. If you fu**** something up, you are done. You will never ever be able to move on. I only wonder how did people manage to work there for donkey years. Don't they get tired or bored with the same people, same job? Occasionally, seeing people who did not work as hard as you get all the recognition they want. I know...

I got an iPad from My company! I can't believe it. While JC and DES is selling theirs, I'm keeping this one. For my own pleasure, and lending to Irfee and Kev for showing off. Thanks to 2010, for being such a good year. Thank God for giving me a such blessings. We reap what we sow, that's the theory ain't it? All I hope for this year is to keep the momentum going. Not hitting blue sky is ok, this is the foundation year for FSE. All I want is to keep on hitting target, have the patience to close those pipelines and be prepare for 2012. Whaddya think? Hehe, achievable? 12 more days and I'm moving! Excited? Definitely! Can't wait to move. ;)

I see the King of glory Coming on the clouds with fire The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes I see His love and mercy Washing over all our sin The people sing, the people sing Hosanna, hosanna Hosanna in the highest Hosanna in the highest I see a generation Rising up to take the place With selfless faith, with selfless faith I see a near revival Stirring as we pray and seek We're on our knees, we're on our knees Heal my heart and make it clean Open up my eyes to the things unseen Show me how to love like You have loved me Break my heart for what breaks Yours Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause As I walk from earth into eternity

1st 3 months of the year has passed. What have I done? Nothing much except work, work and more work. 3 more weeks, and I will be moving to a new place. So many things to do.. This is the list of things that I need to do in April: 1) Pack stuffs 2) Clean house 3) Watch F1 in Sepang 4) Dinner in Sage, consolation for being OSP 1st runner up 5) MSR 6) Hit target, for heaven sake!! 7) Tax Not bad for a 1st month of Q2.. Damn, I'm feeling really tired..

I didn't realize it has been so long since i last updated my blog. I was too caught up with work and the consequences is... I lost my direction in life. I have been working hard, driving from a customer to another daily. I even went deep inside a oil palm estate to look for one of my customer. It got scary as for kilometers, there was no one in sight. Not even a fly. These days, I am not sure where am I heading to. Really feel tired with work, to the point that I want to quit. The pressure from management, and from myself, I am not sure what am I doing. And I don't like the feeling of being aimless and headless. Somehow, I feel really lonely today. In relationship with friends, family, colleagues, or the special loved one, which I do not have at the moment, i failed most of the time. Am i too obnoxious, arrogant and egoistic, to admit to myself that I need people around me too? All I feel is loneliness. There were times on the road during the day, I just feel like calling...

Hmm... 1st, it was a dog. Now I have a Persian Cat to be given away... Thanks to Kenny who found it straying around his apartment. " Jie, can come and take the cat away ah....Don't have privacy la.." (Not the exact sentence, but thats what I understand). Kenny, what privacy you need from a cat? As if he/ she understands what you are doing. Maybe you should consider having it there to get rid of all the rats in your room. So now, later today, I need to go Cyberjaya, to get the cat, with the cat food and the litter box from Kenny and my mind is thinking now where to place this bugger..I need to find a home for it.. Pet shop perhaps? Somehow, what is it in store for me this year aside from being animal friendly? Since December, I have been getting really closely in touch with animals around me.. Monkeys, cows, dogs, dog and cat..What's next? A pig or a goat? "Meow, meow, meow...." How la... anyone wants a Persian Cat? FOC. Anyone??

2 more days to Valentine's Day, this year I am alone. I agreed that there's nothing much to be celebrated. Everything is over priced, food, flowers, chocolates... EVERYTHING. This year, I don't have anyone to celebrate together. Not that I celebrated last year, but i thought it will be nice to be reminded that someone out there loves you and care for you. It gives you this warm fuzzy feeling that someone actually adores you. Willing to spend a small fortune to make you happy, even just for a day. Looking at my friends and classmates, more and more of them are already married. My gran and mum, finally press the panic button, asking me when would it be my turn? Pestering on getting me a candidate. Can I just answer, "NEVER"? How I wish so. Haha.. poor gran and mum.. I asked them to bug Kenny instead. Maybe I can ask my mum to be my Valentine this year. Hehehe... do you think she will agree?

It's all done! That's all I can say. The only thing left to do is to pick up the letter and it's over. What a nightmare for the past few days. It was really scary when I started receiving threats from this guy. Throughout the process, I was wondering what did I do that I deserve to go through all this madness. I was really glad when the papers were signed he stop SMS-ing. Somehow after these past few days, I am seriously thinking whether I should go back to my studies. I really feel like I need to, go back for Psychology, perhaps majoring in Counselling and make a career out of it. I felt that maybe God has something else in his plan for me.

After receiving 40++ SMSes in 2 days from 1 person, I surprised myself with my diplomacy and patience. And trust me, these are messages with CAPITAL LETTERS throughout. It really get onto my nerves by end of the 1st day. We finally come to an agreement. 450 for the dog. Without the cert. I prayed to God, cross my fingers that this will be it. And I hope he wont be harrassing me after this. Money - checked Pictures -checked Contract - emm... still working on it.

"It's not about money that saddened me, it's the promise and words that was taken back." I told Kevin last night. That was the dilemma that I have to go through yesterday. I broke a family's hard by asking something back from them. Yes, I know the dog doesn't belong to me in the 1st place. But I was the mediator between the owner and the new owner. After a week of finding a good home for the dog, the previous owner wants it back, threatened to lodge police report. He has his case, as there was no proof that he agrees to let it go in the 1st place. With all the harassment done on a family, I have to get it back to him. It really breaks my heart and I am feeling really guilty for what has happened. Was I at fault for all this to happen? Numerous of SMSes and calls has been made and received, I can't sleep well at all. Wondering what was the lesson behind all this havoc? In my last SMS: "I believe the dog is actually safer and happier with your...

I've known Sandz for 9 years, entering our 10 years of friendship by now. We started to get close only in the final year of study in UMS. Jules, I've known her since 1st year of secondary school. That's 16 years ago. Eric, I knew him the same year I know Jules, but he was in a different class back then. We became really clsoe after graduated from high school and he remembered to call me when ever he is around. Zura, I've known her since the 1st day in DHL. She was my senior, and we became really close after that. Until today. Time span? 3 years. I've known Irfan for 4 years plus, coming to 5 years now. He's more like a brother to me, we've been housemates for the past 2.5 years. Kevin, 6 months, my housemate and another close friend of me. We think alike in lots of stuffs, crazy bout F1 and Man U. I don't have that many close friends in life. But I really treausre all 6 of them here. Each and everyone provide me some reason to hold on, to liv...

I am a woman, and feels that I did lots of stuffs for lots of people, all the time. I give in most of the time. I don't argue or demand for anything. I am very logic and realistic and independent. Too independent at times. Sometimes being taken for granted easily. But lately, my mood swing is getting crazier. Just a snap, and my mood changed. I notice it as well. In my head, there's lots of things jumbled up. I can't find anyone to talk to. I felt, alone. No matter how much I tried to explain, when it comes to face-to-face interaction, I lose out. I don't feel comfortable at all. I am lacking of confidence when it comes to pepeople interaction. I just can't be happy and I don;t know wh

I am managing 2 blogs now. 1 to jot down happiness, while the other one, basically recording all my pessimism. How to maintain that balance in life? I am learning. How to remain positive in such pessimist mood? How to be pessimist when one is trying to remember all happy thoughts? Irony isn't it? That's what life is, how life works. I am thankful for everything that has been given upon me by God. Hardships, happiness, tears, courage, sadness.... all the irony in life, is what I call adventure.

The more I think about work, the more I hated it. I don't remember when was the last time I hate my job. If I can survive without the salary, I will choose not to work now. Early this week, I started a new blog, to jot down one happy thing that cheer me up and make me smile,only one thing. By the 5th day, I find it tough to even maintain. I feel lost in my job, my work, my relationship with family and friends. I don't feel motivated at all to even work. Yet my ex-bosses looked up highly on me. I feel pressured but I didn't know how to tell my current boss. Working alone outside and not getting the support really makes me feel helpless. And being my vain self, I need attention. I need words of encouragement and show how. Some how I don't feel that I am suitable for the job. I don't know why. Perhaps I would be happier if I stay in job in telesales. Dunno la...

2nd post of 2011. What would I be rambling about? Actually, nothing much to talk about. Just feel like writing (or rather typing) things out. Looking back in 2010, so many things has happened. Lots of frustrating times, and although I have gotten much of commision, nothing seems to stay in my pocket. And I'm still at debt with the government for education fund. Thought of studying again, but yet, I don't think I will any soon. It's no longer in priority. It's no longer possible. Thought of buying a house, a modest one, but not at this moment. House prices is currently rising like mad. Imagine a double storey terrace house cost 700k in Klang Lama. Apartment cost around 350k at least... How would I be able to get my own house? Thought of changing my car, but well, I'm working in Balakong and Kajang, and Bangi. No use of buying a good car only to risk it hitting a pot hole or a cow eventually. Thought and thoughts.... everything can only be imagined in my head. Which o...

I like it when light bulbs appear in cartoons, showing that the character was inspired by an idea. I called it the "Ting" moment. 3 of us in the house, sat down watching TV last nite. I always enjoy the company of my house mates, chit chatting bout world issue that doesn't concern any of us, that's what happened most of the time. Yesterday, the "ting" moment appears in my mind and I asked "What was the easiest and fastest way to make a commendable amount of money?" We all start talking and planning bout how we can make money, doing business as a team. Ideas poured out, never really think that there are so many things that we can do. Best part of the whole thing is, it's all workable! It can be done, with some patience and connections, all this can be done and it's almost money back guarantee! All I can wonder is, could this be it? Is this the opportunity that we are all waiting for? Will it be a breakthrough in 2011? I can only ponder what ...